the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
