I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
