I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
