is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This baby is an asshole
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
