omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
