if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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