This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
