that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
