Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
