Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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