I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
