i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
