turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dignity is for republicans.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
