So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
