Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
