i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize