from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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