Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
