I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
