You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
