remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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