I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
