That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Shame - the story of my life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
