I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
