I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
