I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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