I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
