I accidentally had phone sex last night
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
