The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
