Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
