she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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