Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
