Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
