OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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