i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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