It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
