I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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