Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
