Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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