i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
