my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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