Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My breasts were aching with rage.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
