the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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