shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
