Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
