I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
