Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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