Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
