his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
