Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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