Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
