i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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