I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
