Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
