guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
