any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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