note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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