My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize